(no subject)

What a great party, mostly!

Ah, hell, I wasn't really feeling it. I had fun, but I just wasn't party Allie, which is a real surprise because I was party Allie after work and at mom's house and on the way home and even on the way to Mike's place, but when I got there the wind died and my sails fell slack.

I was going to work on the new book tonight. Well, truth be told I was intending to work on the new book for the last week and a half, but there's always been things to do. When did I get a social life?

So anyway, I was going to work on the book tonight, but all my feelings are just twisted up around one another in my chest and so nothing creative can come out. I'm feeling extremely conflicted. I feel a great upwelling of love for my friends, and at the same time a stark and barren loneliness. I feel both longing and contentment. So I'm stuck until I stop caring about some things or until I achieve resolution.

I'm not very good at achieving resolution; I'm good at shouting out what I want and what I feel and waiting for a response.

I'm in the rather novel position of desperately wanting to win someone's respect and admiration, and not really knowing how to go about it, and I'm pretty much at the stage where I say "fuck it," and let whatever will happen happen.

Tonight overall, I was made buoyant by the presence of people dear to me. Old friends and new. Now that that is gone, I'm sinking again.

Ho-hum, hit a drum.

Oh, I drank a cocktail tonight. This is being noted for record-keeping purposes. As a side note it didn't make my headache go away which is both frustrating and a relief. I had been afraid that the headache I've had for the last week was a sign of habituation to alcohol, now it seems that might not be the case.

Good night, all.

(no subject)

I'm in the grip of the effects of a debilitating caffeine binge. Been in an odd mood all day, wavering through sad, joyous, and rageful feelings with no corresponding outside stimuli. It's like I went back in time a year, except this time I know what's going on, so I can mostly keep it out of my interactions with the rest of the world.

I'm so cold, my apartment is so fucking cold. All I want in the whole world is to be warm again.

My house is a pigsty.

I've been feeling, very strongly, the need to be in physical contact with others. Just an arm around my shoulders or a warm hand on my back would be so welcome.

I should probably eat something, but I'm not hungry, and I have no appetite anyway. Might correspond with my chaotic mental state.

Got a couple of good sketches done at the drop today, but nothing productive and no rush of creative verve. Writers' block sucks ass.

Good thing I'm not good at writing anyway. Ha!

I missed everyone today. I was an orphan all afternoon.