(no subject)

First, the diet.

I've recently endured what I dearly hope is good natured ribbing from my friends about having a salad with nuts and cheese on top while on a diet.

The reason I do this is because I DRASTICALLY cut calories in other places, and every bit of nut, every crumb of cheese that goes on my plate is weighed. In fact, everything apart from my water and my vegetables is carefully measured and weighed before it goes into my mouth. Let's take a look:

Breakfast: weigh out 56 g of cereal into a bowl; zero it. Weigh out a half-ounce dried blueberries into the bowl; zero it. Weigh out 4oz of milk into the bowl. Result: 300 calories.

Lunch: weigh out tortilla, zero scale. Weigh out an ounce of cheese; zero it. Weigh out 3oz of refried beans. zero it. 270 cal.

I weigh my meat before portioning, wrapping and freezing. I weigh fucking everything. I weigh my fruit. I weigh a snack of nuts or of cheese and crackers. I weigh my edamame. The only times I don't weigh my food are the occasions on which I go out to eat with friends, and there are many of those opportunities when I don't go because I'm on a diet. When I do go it is probably far more detrimental to my diet than an ounce of nuts on my salad, and yet no teasing. These nuts and cheese adorn plates containing 4-6 oz of lettuce. Have you seen 4-6 oz of lettuce? It's quite a bit.

If I have turkey kielbasa for dinner, with a slice of brown bread and mustard and a salad sans nuts and cheese, the total calories come to around 300 calories. Not enough for dinner, particularly when one works out in the evening. So fuck off.

I know it's probably friendly teasing, but it's very frustrating to have something I work so hard at be made fun of.

(no subject)

Second, the smoking.

I have made many attempts at quitting smoking in the last couple of months, and all have failed.

I have started doing something different, since attempting to simply will myself into not smoking has not worked for me. As I have stated previously I have zero willpower and when one thing doesn't work, you regroup, examine the situation, and try something different.

I am attempting to combat the problem at its root. Rather than trying to just stop the smoking, I am trying to examine and fix the things that make me smoke.

This involves writing down and examining the things I think about when I smoke, as well as waiting as long as I can comfortably between cigarettes and writing down and examining the things I think when I am in my deepest craving. It also involves taking those associated thoughts and those trigger thoughts and trying to put different responses in their place.

I don't know how successful it is, but I smoked 11 cigarettes yesterday and will probably top out at nine tonight. I only smoke one cigarette at work now, and hope that starting tomorrow I'll be able to go a full eight hour shift without smoking on any of my breaks. The cravings are getting milder, but it's taking a LOT of work. I mean a LOT.

I want everyone to understand I'm not tapering off. That doesn't work. What I am doing is trying to tackle my emotional need to smoke, figure out different ways to cope with the situations that cause me to smoke... things that are stressful or emotionally difficult for me.

It's a lot like cognitive behavioral therapy, but I don't want to claim that I'm performing my own therapy, either.

Anyway, it's exhausting but I think I'm making progress and well see.

(no subject)

And now I've gone and waxed my eyebrows wrong, and I'll look like a freak for weeks. Perfect.