Arrrgggghhhh

I hate being an addict, I hate it.

I really hate it on days like this, when I really really really want a ciggarette, and I can't go buy one, of course, and the guy who hates me is on graveyard at the store so I can't go beg my co-workers for cigarettes, so I go around the house looking for some (sometimes I hide them from myself because I'm not on my medication so my memory is crap and it just feels really cool when you're mad cravin' and you find one whole cigarette) and failing that, I wind up sorting the butts in my ashtrays to find one with two or more drags left on it and that hasn't got a melted filter, and I wind up smoking a handful of the stubby little things that really don't soothe my cravings and just burn the hell out of my lips...

Arrgh. I'll never get to sleep tonight.

Daily Affirmations

1) Every man who's dumped me will regret it.

2) every friend who's abandonned me, and there are quite a few, will regret it.

3) I will have my revenge.

4) I am a sexy bitch.

Streetknights, revised.

Chase: Thunderstruck
Kain: Ride On
Julie: The Jack
Ragdoll: What Will You do for Money, Honey
Max: Money Talks (what else?)
Jack: eeerrrrrrrrr.... I dunno.

Regrets

And then there are nights like these, where I turn off the lights, and I'm haunted by memories of a certain man.

And God, I didn't love, him, I never did, but I fucking care about him, and it bothers me that everything's gone all wrong.

So why am I haunted by memories of the night and his voice moaning my name? Or by memories of tradin kisses at a bus stop? Or by memories of teriyaki take out and snowfall?

I don't regret leaving him. I never will. But I regret the circumstances that made me leave him. I can't, CAN'T be emotionally involved with someone without monogamy. It's too hurtful, and too scary. But, God, if only I could've not cared about it.

He's beautiful. Everything about him is beautiful.

I just have so fucking much to say to him, and I know he won't listen. That's one of the reasons I used to push so hard... I wanted under that shell. And I want to know, too. God, why couldn't he just talk to me about it? Just do something?

And when, and how, am I going to put this ghost to rest? I've moved on. I moved on to Chris. Chris would give me what I needed. I don't want a relationship with this man... I know I'd only wind up getting hurt. AGAIN. But how do I put this to rest when he won't talk to me??

Arrggh.

Convenience Store Blues

Ain't nothin' workin'
Quite like it should.
I hope I don't get robbed tonight,
knock on wood.

The coffee maker's old
who knows if it works.
Half the customers are drugged
the other half ar jerks.

I got the blues...
The convenince store blues.

The place is so damn quiet...
The silence makes me wary
If you're gonna read it, buy it...
This ain't no porn library!

Where do these people come from
the crazies and the loons.
They're so effing stupid
can't find them plastic spoons...

I got the blues...
The graveyard shift convenience store blues.

won't somebody talk some sense into these folks?

I got the blues
The filthy floor, graveyard shift conveniece store blues.

Poor-as-hell Blues

I'm smokin' butts
four at a time
Can't buy no cigarettes
Ain't got a dime.

All I can drink
is a bottle of homemade wine
If I drink it fast enough
man, I'm feelin' fine.

I got the blues...
The poor-as-hell blues.

Work at the corner store
They pay me shit.
Then I come home
and on my ass I sit

Can't go out
Can't afford no friends.
They talk about prosperity
My recession never ends.

I got the blues...
I got the eatin' ramen, poor-as-hell blues.