(no subject)

Have you ever had that feeling in your chest, kinda tight and hurting, so that all you can really think of doing is running a long incision down your chest and removing your heart and stomping on it till you don't feel anything anymore? And you never really care that you'd be squishing all the true joy in life, because it seems like a small price to pay to get rid of all the irrational shit that floats around in there... all the acidity, anger, hurt, sadness, guilt and shame?

I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. Must be hormones, must be that time of the month is what all the boys say. What if it isn't that time of the month, and the cops bust down my door a week from now to find me sitting in my computer chair, a rotting corpse, with a battered human heart beneath my boot? They won't, but wouldn't it make a macabre scene? Would they make a Sunday Night Movie about it? Would they call it Allison: The Girl Who Felt Too Much?

Sometimes, when I felt like this, it wouldn't go away at night and I'd wake up to find long red welts from my collarbone to my navel from me scratching at my chest, trying to get at that wretched heart in my sleep. Not anymore, though.

No... now I just humiliate myself by breaking down in tears in front of my boss.